I can feel that I'm moving into a new phase emotionally and it ain't a good move. It's the place where every sorrow and every pain is felt so intrinsically that I want to hide and cry. Like my soul has been ripped and beaten until I can't even raise my head.
It's at these times that I wonder why Jesus would step in and take this abject grief from me. And, if I love him as a sister should love her brother, why would I let him do it. If I truly knew what kind of suffering I was asking him to take from me, how could I ask him? Was I that self-centered or that desperate? I look at my brothers and sisters now and there's no way I would let them do something like that for me...not knowingly.
Something that's been kicking around in my mind lately.
Monday, June 11, 2018
Tuesday, March 20, 2018
"See ya soon!"
Cemeteries are a great place for self reflection. You're standing in the middle of all these dead. You're the only one still standing; you're the only one still breathing. People who worked hard, took like seriously, didn't take life seriously, some who didn't even have the chance to decide either way...all dead. The only thing strangers will ever know about them; Born XXX - Died XXX, Mother, Father, Sister, Brother...a few facts to represent one . whole . life. Their stories only remembered by family, friends, loved ones, enemies.
So why am I standing in the middle of a cemetery waxing philosophic about life and death? Yesterday was my very best friend's death day. Jonna died March 19, 2017 of colon cancer. She battled it for four, long years. I always thought she'd beat it but it basically took over and killed her liver, game over after that.
I spoke at her funeral. We used to do everything together. We met for lunch almost everyday of the work week. She was my skating buddy, my walking buddy, the gal that pushed me to be better. For some magical reason, she helped me feel balanced, centered. She was THAT friend.
I took the day off because I wasn't sure what kind of shape I would be in. I'm glad I did. I had a great day, which sounds weird, but that cloud that's been encompassing me finally lifted, at least a little. I went to Jonna's grave in the Goshen Cemetery, took her daffodils from my yard, a diet coke, and chex snax with peanut M&M's added. Then we talked...well, I talked. Once I started I was surprised at how easily it came.
I told her all about the last year. I told her a married a couple. I could hear her say, "You did not?!!" Yeup, their officiant bailed and you'd be surprised how easily you can get ordained to perform marriages on the internet. Didn't even cost me a dime. I told her about my quest to do Adventures A - Z. How I was having a hard time without her so I concocted this quest. (When we went to lunch we'd always go on "Quests".) I was going to have an adventure for every letter of the alphabet and hopefully, she would come with me on each one.
I told her I wished she was still here. Then I realized that if I was going to wish, I'd wish that she never had cancer. This is when the cloud started to dissipate. I could feel her there with me and I realized that she was okay and was doing alright. She was where she was supposed to be and I was where I was supposed to be. I talked and cried and laughed. When I was out of words, I really didn't want to leave. The last time I left that spot was at her burial and it gutted me. Now, however, I knew that she was happy and so when I left I called, "See ya soon!"
Life is fleeting, it goes by in the blink of an eye. As Jacob wrote in the Book of Mormon, "...our lives passed away as if it were unto us a dream." Jacob 7:26
So why am I standing in the middle of a cemetery waxing philosophic about life and death? Yesterday was my very best friend's death day. Jonna died March 19, 2017 of colon cancer. She battled it for four, long years. I always thought she'd beat it but it basically took over and killed her liver, game over after that.
I spoke at her funeral. We used to do everything together. We met for lunch almost everyday of the work week. She was my skating buddy, my walking buddy, the gal that pushed me to be better. For some magical reason, she helped me feel balanced, centered. She was THAT friend.
I took the day off because I wasn't sure what kind of shape I would be in. I'm glad I did. I had a great day, which sounds weird, but that cloud that's been encompassing me finally lifted, at least a little. I went to Jonna's grave in the Goshen Cemetery, took her daffodils from my yard, a diet coke, and chex snax with peanut M&M's added. Then we talked...well, I talked. Once I started I was surprised at how easily it came.
I told her all about the last year. I told her a married a couple. I could hear her say, "You did not?!!" Yeup, their officiant bailed and you'd be surprised how easily you can get ordained to perform marriages on the internet. Didn't even cost me a dime. I told her about my quest to do Adventures A - Z. How I was having a hard time without her so I concocted this quest. (When we went to lunch we'd always go on "Quests".) I was going to have an adventure for every letter of the alphabet and hopefully, she would come with me on each one.
I told her I wished she was still here. Then I realized that if I was going to wish, I'd wish that she never had cancer. This is when the cloud started to dissipate. I could feel her there with me and I realized that she was okay and was doing alright. She was where she was supposed to be and I was where I was supposed to be. I talked and cried and laughed. When I was out of words, I really didn't want to leave. The last time I left that spot was at her burial and it gutted me. Now, however, I knew that she was happy and so when I left I called, "See ya soon!"
Life is fleeting, it goes by in the blink of an eye. As Jacob wrote in the Book of Mormon, "...our lives passed away as if it were unto us a dream." Jacob 7:26
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